interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
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IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Gods work.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.