driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people