Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room