If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Put this video in the Louvre
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”