As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I’m good, thanks.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
U talkin 2 me?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge