As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
philosophical skeletons be like
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry