I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT