That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.