THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You Might Also Like
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐