It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
You Might Also Like
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
kids play hide and seek like
water it, i dare you
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Many hands make light work
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.