[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.