[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
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Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.