Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
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“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
True