Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Seas the day!!!!
![]()
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
![]()
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
hmm conte-me mais
![]()
The legends were true
![]()
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
![]()
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
![]()
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.