I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”