yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.