It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
You Might Also Like
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
5 ways to appear taller
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.