i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
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The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*