I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
When you’ve simply given up.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
This could be us… but you playing
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.