First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I…do not understand how electricity works.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.