No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
“i miss shittin on people”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.