Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
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Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.