Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!