and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
A French press is when you hug naked
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.