Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]![]()
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*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.