Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
You Might Also Like
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.