Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
You Might Also Like
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My dog learned how to text
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.