The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.