Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m not lazy
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.