@capricecrane I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
@IronBiggie Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
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@capricecrane 
@TheTweetOfGod Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
@david8hughes [steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
@_Enanem_ I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
@TheRolo I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
@GinAndJif My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
@shutupmikeginn If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
@TheCiscoKidder My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
@amydillon [maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
@WheelTod Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.