Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Xylophonist Shredding It

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Me: That’s pretty sus

12yo: Never say that again

Me: Why?

12yo: It sounded weird when you said it

Me:

12yo:

Me: Your rules are sus