@IronBiggie

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

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@capricecrane

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

@david8hughes

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

@_Enanem_

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

@TheRolo

I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.

@GinAndJif

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

@shutupmikeginn

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

@amydillon

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.