I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
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“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors