One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.


1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.


<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.


men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>


Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”


I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.


Me: We spend a lot of time together.

Her: Turn left.

Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.

Her: Arriving at destination.


Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.