One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
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(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
*marks intercept point*
Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants