One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.