I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Not all heroes wear capes…