Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.