it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
shit just got real
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!