it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
peak technology
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I saw this ending much differently.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.