surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’