Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
You’ll be OK
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
me when the borders lift
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….