They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
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Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.