Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.