Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.