DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.