@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

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@designersays

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

@brianbowman73

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

@MummaCrazy

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

@SwedishCanary

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…

@robdelaney

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

@ClassicMegan

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

@No_1BullshitGuy

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

@Fickle_Filly

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot