DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*

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If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.


When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.


How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.


10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.


Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.


Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

Password expired
Password expired
Password ex…


How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.


If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.


If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.


Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot