If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot