Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.