boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
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A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.