A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
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Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
opening twitter today
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane