When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
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“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
#MeanwhileInCanada
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
lmfao
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
oh good, now I can stop drinking
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.