oh good, now I can stop drinking
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’ve been drinking.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?