No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms