Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

When I snag the last meatball.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

[Fancy restaurant]

DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants

ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!