How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Body by sandwich.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there