How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd