My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
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“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Watermelon Boss!
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.