[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Every work meeting this week
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8