me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
You Might Also Like
guys i’ve cracked the code
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sorry. Not sorry
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Sounds like a bargain
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.