Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Every work meeting this week
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman